


I follow where you go

by lervinsmiss



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 10:59:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13409823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lervinsmiss/pseuds/lervinsmiss
Summary: Fromthisprompt list on tumblr, requested by both kaguneko and kittyboo8105I trie to make this something more light-hearted to fit the prompt but we all know that isn't how I roll.#28. “That’s almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.”~3K words of pure angst and pining.





	I follow where you go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kaguneko (alittlecoco)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlecoco/gifts), [Kittyboo98](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittyboo98/gifts).



The past months had been an impossible blur. They had pushed so hard and achieved so much. They had lead a successful coup and crumbled the establishment. Levi had learned things he never could have imagined. They had won a tentative victory, not without its conditions, but they had been able to bring their oppressors under their heel and lifted the people up from the government’s stranglehold. And they would continue with official support. Finally they would be given their dues. But the losses- they didn’t even yet know the scale. Only that they were too great to bare consideration. There would be time to mourn the dead when they had either won, or joined them. 

Levi had traveled back and forth from the capitol to the base countless times; gathering information, checking supply chains, chasing up progress on Hange’s prototypes and all the while training and drilling constantly. Levi was sore everywhere. His back ached from the long carriage rides, his muscles and joints strained and popped from all his overworking on the gear, his eyelids felt like sandpaper and his head was so full of shit he felt like his brains would start dribbling out of his ears any moment now. There was too much to do, too much to remember with not enough time and to top it all he was bone tired. He feared sleep, was convinced that if he let his head droop or even rested his eyes a moment he would never wake up.

But as exhausted as he was, he knew it was worse for Erwin.

The desperation was writ across every wrinkle and valley of his face. He eyes were sunken into his skull and his skin sagged off his proud cheekbones. He was working long into the night, missing meals, not sleeping. None of that was new but something about the way he scrawled line after line in his scraggly hand, barely legible now to anyone but himself, and then crossed out and reworked every plan he drew up sent Levi’s heart into his throat only to drop like a stone in his belly when he watched their commander leap and fall and struggle against his modified gear. It pained him to look at Erwin so ragged, like a knife turning in his gut.

It was like watching him fight against the fever to that sought to claim him, drag him into an eternal sleep all over again and the smell of sweat and rot and blood was everywhere. 

But he’d survived that.

He was so single-minded, had been chasing after this goal and this moment his whole life. Levi knew that. Erwin had told him all his secrets, his hopes, his schemes. All the things he’d only dared to think for so many years he had eventually told to Levi. Everything he had done that had propelled Erwin to his position, all of the deceit, every death, each friend now a name in his head and a pile of bones in the ground might actually amount to something worthwhile if they could do this. If they could just get through this.

It was more than reclaiming the wall. More than restoring peace and balance. So much more. He needed to know their truth. All of it, or this would all have been a meaningless endeavor. Erwin had said it in so many words. And Levi had asked him countless times what it would mean if he learned it all. What would he do? If he could ever see his suicidal, treasonous plot to its end and find the answers he longed for; what then?

But Erwin had no answer for him. He could think of nothing but the pursuit. Could see past nothing but the goal. That was all there was for him. And Levi had taken his words and shoved them down deep, buried them within himself and tried to believe they were enough. Hoped they would take root and spring forth to mirror Erwin’s own resolve. He tried to make Erwin’s goal his own and cursed himself when his mind rebelled against him and dared to wonder what more the world could hold for them. What kind of future there could possibly be for two such broken and ruined men. He reminded himself that they were soldiers and nothing more. That he could not ask for more than to see another day and bring humanity further from the darkness they were trapped in.

The days bled together and he threw himself wholly into preparing for their final push. Worked the cadets harder. Worked himself to the brink of collapse and did everything to quiet that single, gnawing question. 

With less than a week left to mount their mission, Erwin called every squad leader in for an urgent meeting. He couldn’t avoid the man any longer.

There had been some new intelligence. The cadets had gotten a confession of sorts from Former Commander Shadis. It was hardly a revelation, but after everything they had been through over all of these years, all the obstacles that had been thrown up against them and Shadis’ bemoaning of protocol that bound his hands against the military establishment; He’d known more than they had through it all and had blocked them at every turn until he’d gotten too worn down to fight and then he’d simply stepped away to let them flail around in ignorance without him. All he could tell them of use now was that Erwin’s deepest suspicions might be reality. And all Levi could do was listen in silence, shocked mute by his impotent rage.

Hange recounted the details, now, and still Levi sat quietly; drawn in on himself as the Commander postulated and rallied them to his fresh resolve of their cause. 

His soldiers went out, buoyed by his words despite the grim reality of their own combined experience which told them the odds were starkly stacked against them, even if their mission succeeded. Who among them would return? Which of them would fall?

Levi hung back and waiting for the last of them to make their exit before the shut the door behind them and leaned heavily against it.

“So,” He croaked past the dryness in his throat.

“So.” Erwin echoed, his eyes cloudy. His whole body was a calm facade but Levi could see the tension in his shoulders, the way he clenched his single fist over and over. He practically vibrated with barely contained excitement.

“What happens next, Erwin?” He tilted his head forward, stared at the floor. He found it so hard to look at him.

“Just as I said, Levi.” Erwin spoke softly, “Don’t worry, I don’t have any secret plans up my sleeve with this mission. I’ve laid everything out on the table.” He adjusted in his chair and began recounting their defensive plan but Levi stopped him.

“And after that?” Levi urged, “After we’ve taken the wall back and sealed it up? What happens when this is done?” He looked up. There was a glint of something in the deep, empty blue of his eyes. A ripple. He forced himself not to hope, knew not to expect the words he wished he would say but wished for them anyway.

“Ah,” He smiled then and it made Levi’s gut clench. “Then we get to find out who’s been behind this the whole time. The Titans, the walls, everything!” He looked manic and Levi wanted to retch. “It’s all in that basement, Levi, I know it.” He was a man possessed.

“What if you don’t make it that far?” His voice was gruff, he fought against the rise of bile in his throat. He wanted to stopper the words before they rushed out of him like a flood but the damn was broken. “What are you going to do? Feed your last arm to another titan?” He was losing control of his voice, it rose against his will. “ You’re practically defenceless out there like that.” He waved a hand needlessly at Erwin’s empty side. He felt desperate. “You’re as good as bait.” He felt that familiar panic rising in his chest and fought to quell it. Fought against the emotion he kept locked away for the past year. Fought to use reason instead.

“Hand control over to Hange, you’ve already named them your successor. Just give ‘em the reins and stay here where I don’t have to worry about you getting in the way.” He steadied his breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Even. Measured. “It’s going to be enough of a mess out there without having to save your ass.” Calm, “Let us bring whatever is in that basement back to you, if there’s even anything left there at all.”

Erwin stared blankly into the middle distance ahead of him, brows pinched together. He didn’t speak for a long drawn out moment. Levi hoped he had gotten through to him, hoped he wouldn’t have to beg.

“ _ No. _ ” Erwin whispered. He stood and paced a few steps. His eyes vacant, shoulders hunched. He looked agitated and struggled to find his voice against the bob of his adam’s apple. Levi wanted to scream.

“If I’m better off as bait, that’s what I’ll be,” He rasped. “Whatever it takes to get through this mission. I know I’m useless as I am, but I can’t just sit here on my-  _ hand _ like an invalid.” His voice was nearly a whisper but it tore through Levi when he continued. “I’d rather die out there and see my plan through, there’s no other way.”

“Quit talking like a  _ fucking _ martyr, Erwin!” Levi bit out. “That’s almost the  _ exact opposite _ of what I’m saying!” He was so angry, so furious he could hardly see straight. He had to get through to him, had to make him see. “And what would we have if we lost you, Erwin?” He pulled ragged breaths into his lungs but he could hardly get enough air. “We’re dead on our feet without you!” Levi was nearly doubled over with rage, with fear, it hurt.

Erwin faltered, his face crumpled.

“I need to- to prove that my father was right. To prove to myself that he didn’t die for nothing. That I didn’t-”

And everything froze.

“I know,  _ Erwin _ . I know” Levi rushes to cut him off so that he can’t repeat the same falsehood again. He’d heard that theory too, but he could never come up with enough words to make him believe anything otherwise. “I just wish you didn’t want it so much more than survival.” He finished weakly.

“If not for yourself, at least for  _ them _ .” 

_ For me.  _ He wanted to say, wanted to scream. Wanted to go back to every held breath, every fleeting touch, every gaze met in silence across a darkened room, every wind of a bandage around a damaged joint and limb cut short; grab up his hands and scream into his face then,  _ for me, please, live for me. _ But he’d used Erwin’s guilt against him enough. Knew that Erwin wanted this for his own selfish reasons and knew it wasn’t fair to try to counter with his own. 

“What do I have to do? Break your fucking legs to keep you from running headlong into a titan’s stinking mouth?” He huffed without any humor eyes back on the floor, his voice was too sad but Erwin chuffed out a breath and smiled weakly.

“Perhaps.” He looked away. The room shrunk in the wake of their silence, echoed with it.

Levi sighed, “That won’t do.” He crossed his arms over his chest as if they might hold him together. “I’d just end up having to change your shorts for you instead of wiping your ass like I do now.” 

Erwin’s eyes crinkled up in a smile so full of pain as he turned back to him. “Thank you, Levi.” 

“I know the odds aren’t in my favour, but I have to be there.” That deep pool of blue shone through and Levi was lost, “ _ I have to. _ ”

“I understand.” He forced the words out of his chest and it felt like farewell. “I’ll follow you to the end.”  
  


***

Levi stalked the dark stone halls of the base for hours, each step echoing around him and magnifying in his head. Most of the soldiers were clinking their tankards and spilling ale on the floors of the dining hall by now, shovelling precious, rare meat down their gullets in celebration. But he couldn’t bring himself to embrace their joviality. He felt wretched and alone, wanted to scale the walls and let the night air chill him to the bone until the pale light of dawn signalled the beginning of the end. He considered running through the training course yet again but it would be foolish to waste gas so close to their departure and he needed to save his energy now more than ever. 

He overheard a scuffle then jeers ringing out and rushed in to break up the same scouts that bickered and brawled constantly. He was furious at how these brats fought one another instead of clinging to each other, as if they weren’t all marching off to their deaths at first light. He could have screamed at them to look around, look at what they stood to lose but his knee in their stomachs felt better, connecting with muscle and tissue and bone felt better when he wanted to claw at his own skin. He left them gasping out useless apologies and shouldering each others weight off to the barracks, and swiped a tankard from the table for himself as he stormed away.

It was only a momentary distraction, the adrenaline soon left him jittery and more agitated than before. He slid down the wall behind him and downed his ale, bitter on his tongue and sour in his gut, and let his head fall back against the cool stone.

He heard them come to settle on the other side of the wall, listened to them tease and babble on. Children. They were only children with illusions of grandeur and dreams bigger than the world that had caged them. Dreams that he’d heard a hundred times over from the mouth of a man who’d fought and lost everything to have a glimpse of the world outside of the walls. He listened to them swear oaths they couldn’t possible hold to, their fates not their own and he cursed under his breath. Of course none of them could keep promises in this life but they kept making them regardless. They would hope against hope until the last of them fell. It was all they’d ever known to do.

Levi hoisted himself up and traced the familiar path he’d taken countless times before. He thought he would still be able to find his way to Erwin’s door blindfolded in the dead of night, the corridors and flagstones etched into his memory. His feet carried him by reflex but when he reached the worn and splintered door, he hesitated. There was weak light pouring out from under the doorway as there had so often been before. How many times had he come here to find the Commander hunched over his desk, asleep or awake. How many cups of tea and trays of grey stew had he brought to him here. How many of each had grown cold while he worked into the small hours. He knocked. It felt strange to ask for entrance to a room that felt more his own than his private quarters. He waited.

“Come in, Levi.” 

He closed the door softly behind him and walked into the room.

“How did you know it was me?” he took up a spot by the window and looked out onto the darkened grounds “I never knock.”

“Well, Hange has already been by to give me their final report on the new weapons tests.” He struggled to scratch out a line in his ledger and then set his quill aside. “And I hoped it would be you.”

He turned back to Erwin and his eyes were already trained on Levi’s face, shining in the waning candle light.

“I’m glad I guessed right.” A hesitant smile flitted over his features and Levi’s heart seized up.

He hadn’t known what he would say to Erwin when he trudged through the halls to his chambers. He didn’t know whether he wanted to fight him on his decision, or forgive him his choice. He thought of Erwin’s forbidden books and the image of a great salt lake that stretched out beyond the horizon with no end. If he had considered any of his words on the way, they had left him now. He hardly ever needed speech around the Commander and words had never been his strength anyway. Over the years they had found an understanding in heavy silences and knowing looks, but now Levi wanted to be able to speak all the fleeting feelings that had ever passed through his mind, unbidden and unacknowledged, before he lost the chance forever. If only he could open his mouth and have it flow out of him effortlessly.

If only he could open up his chest, pull back the ribs and take his beating heart in his hands and give it over to Erwin. It was the closest thing that could possibly express his brokenness and his pain at watching the man ready to run to his death.

He took in a haggard breath and closed his eyes, “ _ Erwin- _ ” a hand on his knee stopped him. His only hand.

“You should get some rest, Captain.” His voice was so low and when Levi’s eyes flicked up to his face, he looked like he hadn’t meant to say those words. He’d said them so many nights before. Said them on reflex.

“And what about you?” Levi tried not to make it an accusation but the tightness in his throat left his voice harsh. He swallowed thickly, “It’s too late to make any changes now.” And for a moment he wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince more of that fact but Erwin’s hand was still on his knee, warm and heavy. He was here, alive and present. It wasn’t too late yet. 

Erwin sighed, nodding, and made to lean back into his chair, away from Levi, back to the safety of distance but Levi darted out his own hand to stay him. Erwin bowed his head, wouldn’t meet Levi’s eyes grown wide with shock at his own move. He laced their fingers together and they stayed like that, for how long Levi could not tell. 

The room felt too small and the air in his lungs felt too thick and he thought he would burst out of his own skin when Erwin dipped his head lower and pressed his lips to Levi’s knuckles, shaking and stuttering breath ghosting over his scarred and calloused skin. 

He let his eyes slip closed and tightened his grip.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i've wanted to do this scene for so long but this took so long to get through and i just have to put it out into the world to be done with it.


End file.
